What is acceptance?

I spent many decades in the absence of acceptance, mostly because I didn't know what it was or how to accept myself. I did not realize that acceptance was a concept or necessary for my attention. I was younger, less experienced, and unaware. I was also very unaccepting of myself. In my adolescence, twenties and early thirties, I spent much of my time consumed in my thoughts, and it was not a place I enjoyed being. My narrative was highly self-critical and relentless in its pursuit of shame and self-loathing. I had not yet connected to the power of acceptance, and for what it's worth, I also had no idea what shame was. I was living and surviving. I've discussed this before; I was in a state of survival mode, which meant I was reacting impulsively to everything that was happening and automatically responding with fight (resisting), flight (avoiding), or freeze (paralysis), without being aware. I was always in a state of stress, and as it persisted and became chronic, I ran face-first into burnout and was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. I was looping around in a vicious cycle like riding a merry-go-round, only not fun...acceptance ended up being the remedy for moving me out of survival mode and into living a life of being present, aware, and happy. And before you ask, no, I am not present, aware and happy every moment; however, I know that when I am present and aware my happiness is significantly increased, and I love that.

What is acceptance? According to Kober et al. (2019), acceptance is the attitude we choose when we allow ourselves to be as we are, even when faced with unpleasantness, we choose to let things be without judgment, avoidance or reaction. Even when I write this, I think, yikes! That's hard. Yes! Absolutely, it is. Acceptance is not easy, and that is okay. Not everything is meant to be easy street. If you take one thing away from this, take this one thought: as humans, we are predestined to live life through the negativity bias, which means our brains are wired to believe that something will happen and it won't be good...life is always leaning towards what's wrong, catastrophe first. It takes work to choose acceptance, happiness, and joy. Research shows us that by focusing on or choosing acceptance we can improve our well being, reduce stress, be more peaceful and present (Tiny Buddha, 2024).

Why is acceptance importance?​
​Here are a few reasons why we should choose acceptance:

(1) Half glass full. As I mentioned above, we can choose to live in a world of negativity, stress, struggle or resistance, or we can choose to see the positive side of things and accept what is happening. For example, I recently received news from my doctor that I've injured my arm. I have a tear in my elbow, and it means I have to stop teaching yoga for a while and modify my boot camp workouts. I can choose to listen to my body and give it the time and space to heal or I can choose to keep pushing, resisting, and insist on still lifting weights in the same way and maintaing my same routine.

(2) Embracing changing. When we choose acceptance we learn to embrance change; the big ones and the small ones come more readily and easily to us. Change is all around us, every day and in all moments. Acceptance gives us the mindset to explore change vs. judging it. We begin to find the lessons behind change and be curious about it vs. insisting on challenging it every step of the way. We all resist some change, even me as a change manager, I have change I resist. Being aware of the change that causes you difficulties and beginning to explore why creates your path to acceptance.

(3) Deeper and more Meaningful relationships. Acceptance allows us to open up our hearts and minds as we connect to ourselves and others, creating space to be more inclusive, accepting, and curious as we let judgments fall. We have all been judged before, and we've all sat in the judge's chair, knowingly or unknowingly; we all have bias. As we learn to reflect on who we are and what we hold (perceptions, expectations, biases, stereotypes), we begin to learn more about who we are and accept all parts of us, even the imperfect ones. Part of that acceptance is recognizing that we cannot always change who we are; rather, we learn to accept who we are. This lens of acceptance can be applied to others. This is not a lens of weakness and does not replace the need to change or evolve harmful and destructive behaviours like violence, addiction, abuse, prejudice, and trauma.

If you do not actively engage in reflective acceptance perhaps today is the day you choose to step into change and find your path to a deeper and more meaningful connection with yourself.​
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8 ways you can build acceptance!

1. Practice self-compassion
2. Use mindfulness and build present moment awareness
3. Acknowledge your strengths and values
4. Meet your inner critic, learn more about them, and begin to uncover how to manage them
5. Connect with people who appreciate you
6. Learn how to let go, move on, leap forward, forgive :)
7. Gain perspective on your limitations (ask for feedback)
8. Practice forgiveness - forgive yourself

Monthly Sharing Section...

NEWS TO SHARE: I'm so thrilled to be announcing that I will be officially opening my doors for my student therapy practice starting late summer under the Guided Supervision of Mary Earls (M.A., RSW, RP), at Advocating Hope: https://advocatinghope.ca/
If you or someone you know is interested in psychotherapy, please reach out to learn more. I will be taking on individuals and couples in my practice.

WORTH READING: I recently embarked on a journey to read a scifi trilogy which pushed me out of mycomfort zone and got me completely dialed in to something new and awesome. I never thought I would find a SciFi series so enticing and captivating but here I am writing about it and recommending it. It is about acceptance. The story unfolds and at the end of it all I realize one of the broader themes is the challenge the characters face to accept their new reality. The story explores different ways people accept themselves, others, and the world. If this sounds interesting you may want to check out Blake Crouch's Wayward Pines: https://www.goodreads.com/series/116296-wayward-pines​

Mindful Poetry

Acceptance by Robert Frost

When the spent sun throws up its rays on cloud
And goes down burning into the gulf below,
No voice in nature is heard to cry aloud
At what has happened. Birds, at least must know
It is the change to darkness in the sky.
Murmuring something quiet in her breast,
One bird begins to close a faded eye;
Or overtaken too far from his nest,
Hurrying low above the grove, some waif
Swoops just in time to his remembered tree.
At most he thinks or twitters softly, 'Safe!
Now let the night be dark for all of me.
Let the night be too dark for me to see
Into the future. Let what will be, be.

With gratitude,
Jen James
jen@admitone.ca
​https://www.doublejstrategic.com/​

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References

Kober, H., Buhle, J., Weber, J., Ochsner, K. N., & Wager, T. D. (2019). Let it be: mindful acceptance down-regulates pain and negative emotion. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 14(11), 1147–1158. https://doi.org/10.1093/scan/nsz104

Tiny Buddha. (2024, August 5). The power of acceptance: stop resisting and find the lesson. Tiny Buddha. https://tinybuddha.com/blog/the-power-of-acceptance-stop-resisting-and-find-the-lesson/