Welcome to my monthly newsletter; Small steps lead to big change. I've come to realize that this is a guiding principle for me as I navigate both personal and professional life changes. Change is constant for all of us. It can be filled with curiosity, joy and resistance. Different stages of change will bring different ideas, feelings, and questions. All is welcome. Let's explore together.
Do you compare yourself to others?
If you are nodding your head or thinking "yes, that's me!" you are not alone. We all do. I definitely do. Comparison is part of the human experience of thinking. But why do we do it when it makes us feel less than and creates so much inner self-critical talk?
First, let me explain comparison as it relates to the model of comparing ourselves, or what is called social evaluation or social comparison theory. This concept was originally studied in the 1950's by psychologist Leon Festinger, who established the idea that we are unable to define our opinions in a silo but rather look to others, specifically peers, to measure "who we are, where we stand, and what is possible." You may have heard the term "keeping up with the Joneses"; this was coined around the time of Festinger's work. It means we feel pressured to buy things and do activities that will make us appear successful or important like others. Festinger further identified that as a result of comparison, the standards we set result in negative outcomes like body dissatisfaction, decreased self-esteem, and increased societal pressures (Mumford, 1983; Butts, 2020).
There are three different types of comparison.
1. Upward comparison is the most common type. This happens when you compare yourself to people you see as better, more successful or more skilled than yourself. While it can feel like a temporary boost for self-improvement, it is a bit sticky because it often lowers self-esteem. Here is an example: At work, you compare your promotability to another candidate or colleague who has also applied for the same job.
2. Downward comparison happens when you compare yourself to those who are less successful or less fortunate. Often, this results in increased confidence and a better sense of yourself, or can also generate compassion and empathy. Here is an example: You find yourself recovering from an illness like COVID, and you compare yourself to patients who are in the hospital in the ICU and not able to recover, and who are in a more difficult situation.
3. Lateral comparison happens when you compare yourself to those who have a similar ability, status or situation. This can provide two types of evaluation: a critical evaluation that opens the lens to further comparison of those we feel are similar to us and creates comparative analysis of what could be different, and a more realistic evaluation based on facts and realism. Here is an example: at work, an employee compares their work to a coworker in the same role and at the same level.
In my experience, comparison promotes judgmental, biased, competitive, and superior thinking. It also activates emotions such as envy, jealousy, frustration, anger, and many others. So how do we manage when we find ourselves in a swirl of comparison? Here are a few helpful tips you can try:
1. Increase awareness of your triggers
2. Reminder yourself of your own strengths - if you haven't connected to your strengths in a while, now is a great time!
3. Practice gratitude daily
4. Increase self-awareness of what happens when you compare: who, what, when, and how it makes you feel.
"Comparison is the thief of joy."
Theodore Roosevelt
Mindful Resources
Something to watch: for more information on comparative thinking and for those of you who enjoy watching YouTube content, I really enjoy this channel - Therapy in a Nutshell. Here is her video on how to stop comparing yourself:
Something coming soon:
I am excited to announce a new online course I am offering through the clinic where I work part-time, Turning Point Counselling. The course, Building Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC), is open to anyone, even if you have taken a program before.
Who is the program for?
Anyone can learn MSC. It is the practice of repeatedly evoking goodwill and kindness to yourself, especially in moments of struggle, pain and suffering. Most of us feel compassion towards others, often towards our good friends and loved ones. We struggle when it comes time to shift that same care and attention towards ourselves, allowing ourselves to receive love, kindness, and support. It is a program that is scientifically proven to help those affected with anxiety, stress, mood disorders, pain, shame, sleep issues and more.
What will you learn?
How to stop being so hard on yourself
How to handle difficult emotions with greater ease
How to motivate yourself with encouragement rather than criticism
How to transform difficult relationships, both old and new
Mindfulness & self-compassion practices for home and everyday life
The theory & research behind Mindful Self-Compassion
How to become your own best teacher
What to expect:
10-week program
Weekly schedule with 1.5-2 hours per week
Certified Mindful Self-Compassion teacher
Monthly Meditation
Finding ways to build a meditation practice takes intention and change. I want to make it easier for you so I am shifting my focus for the balance of this year to building a meditation library. Stay tuned for more information.
Here is a meditation I find accessible and personally enjoy:
I appreciate you being here and taking the time to read and connect. I love to hear from you, so please feel free to reach out; let me know what you are enjoying, what you want more of, and what you want to learn about.
Warmest,
Jen James
RP (Q), MACP
jenjames@doublejtherapy.com
References
Mumford, M. D. (1983). Social Comparison Theory and the Evaluation of Peer Evaluations: A Review and some Applied Implications. Personnel Psychology, 36(4), 867–881. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1744-6570.1983.tb00516.x
Social comparison theory | Psychology | Research Starters | EBSCO Research. (n.d.). EBSCO. https://www.ebsco.com/research-starters/psychology/social-comparison-theory#full-article
