Understanding more about Fear...

I have multiple fears. I fear spiders and I fear abandonment, two completely different types of fears but both present themselves exactly the same way for me. When they show up in my presence I immediately catch my breath, feel uneasy with a surge or wave fly through my abdomen up into my throat, I find it difficult to breath, and most importantly I feel stuck. My immediate reaction is paralysis and inability to decide, move, or step forward. This is called a stress response. We all have them and most of us have fears; ones we know and are aware of and some we likely are less aware of that are hiding in the corners of our subconscious mind. Fear is a difficult emotion, and for many of us, it is hard to manage. Fear is a message our body and mind is sending to us when it is asking to be heard. It is a warning signal and in many cases a protective measure. Our mind and body want us to see and feel the fear, move through it and move on. The problem is many of us get stuck, wound up and consumer by it. I often hear from my clients "I feel scared, unsafe, and panicked" when it comes to fear. Fears can become phobias which are louder and chronic types of fear that may grow out of proportion.
I can remember one time when I first met my husband and I was still living at home with my parents I was getting ready for bed and I saw a spider in the corner of my bedroom (by the way when I type the word spider I feel a little cringy - it used to make me leap - I'm working on it). As soon as I saw the (yes teensy tiny and harmless) spider, I shrank down and I mean literally fell to the floor, gasped, and began to rock back and forth, saying to myself, "Oh no, what can I do?" and "I can't kill it, I can't leave it." I felt useless, powerless, paralyzed, and unable to make a decision of what to do next. I finally found the courage to reach for my phone, call my husband and beg him to come over and kill the spider, tracking it's every move until he arrived (at the time we were dating and I was confident he was going to call me crazy, he never did). So exhausting and frustrating.
Let me pause for a moment to acknowledge that many of you are probably saying one of two things: "get up and kill the stupid thing" or "what's wrong with you, it's only a little spider, nothing will happen if you ignore it." I understand your reaction and I want to help you understand mine. I won't judge you if you don't judge me.
My reaction and fear is not unique or new to me, it is an old friend, one I have carried since I was a little girl. My fear began when we were at the cottage and surrounded by what are commonly known as "Dock" spiders (if you do not know what they are, Google and find out how terrifying they look as you think of it through the eyes of a 3 year old child). When we were young the boys would catch them and run around trying to scare the daylights (successfully) out of the little girls, telling us all kinds of stories and lies about what happens when you encounter a spider, including holding them up to my face and threatening an attack. My fear blew up in my mind, dock spiders became all spiders and spiders became terrifying. The more I encountered them the more fearful I became, and I came across lots of them all the while ignoring my fear as it escalated. Again, many of you might say logically I can and should know that a spider won't do anything to me and you are 100% accurate. I am aware fully that most of the spiders I encounter are harmless and have no capacity to do anything to me at all. My fears and my reactions to them are entirely embedded and automatic.
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SEE SPIDER - REACT with PANIC and FEEL LESS THAN & INCAPABLE - BODY CRUMBLES - BODY GASPS - BODY wants SOOTHING so ROCKS and FREEZES - Inner narrative EXPLODES
***Important note here - our inner critical voice is powerful and once it activates and leans into being overemotional or overanalytical, we will do anything in our power to validate the negative emotion we are experiencing (like telling stories that overidentify or embellish what we are saying), keeping us stuck in our negative spiral. As humans we are so good at doing this and we ALL do it. For those of you shaking your head and saying not me, I am looking at you and saying "yes, you, and it's okay because you are human." Often times we do not realize it is happening.

Now I have taken ownership of my fear. I have learned more about it, befriended it in a way which has allowed me to explore it with curiosity, safety and self-trust. This allowing has created the space I needed to understand what I was doing, why I was doing it so I could learn and support myself to make changes by disrupting the cycle. No, I do not jump in and kill spiders now. Yes, I can share space with them without crumbling to the floor. I see a spider, I pause take a deep breath and think about how I'm feeling in the moment and name the emotion out loud. This momentary pause gives me time to reflect instead of reacting. It's not perfect but it works most of the time and I find myself more at ease. Small steps to big change.
Take a moment and think about what you fear most? Is it a feeling, an event, a thought, a thing or object? Fears can hold us back, sagotage the good things in life, and limit us from our potential. We can choose to allow them to consume us sometimes controlling the narrative or you can choose to make changes to how you allow fear to be present. I recommend you choose to face your fear even if it feels challenging and create a life worth living.
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To learn more about how to manage and learn more about your fear(s), reach out to me at jen@admitone.ca
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Monthly Sharing Section...

SOMETHING EDUCATIONAL & MEANINGFUL: For those of you interested ways to explore treating your fears, one common and direct method is called exposure therapy. Here is a great article that explains what is involved and what it's all about: https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/exposure-therapy-what-is-it-and-how-can-it-help

SOMETHING I would recommend for you to watch - JOIN ME:
Hot Docs is coming soon. DCGT is partnering with the National Film Board of Canada and Hot Docs for a special screening of Love, Harold t Hot Docs Cinema (506 Bloor Street West, Toronto) on Sunday, March 29 at 6:30pm, followed by a live Q&A with filmmaker Alan Zweig, moderated by Don McKellar.
Here is some info about the film:
When an old friend takes his own life, Alan Zweig seeks out others grappling with the suicide of a loved one. As hard as it can be to speak of such an unfathomable loss, more than 20 friends and acquaintances feel compelled to tell their stories.
You can purchase tickets here:
​https://hotdocs.ca/whats-on/films/love-harold​

Monthly Mindful Meditation

Here is a beautiful guided meditation for transforming fear with Tara Brach:

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If you have any problems with connecting to this link please reach out as different email platforms have made changes to access.

With gratitude,
Jen James
jen@admitone.ca
​https://www.doublejstrategic.com/​

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