Do you ever feel guilty, embarrassed, or ashamed? HINT: we all have...

Feelings, emotions and everything connected to them come up in my work with my clients every day. Understanding emotions, supporting emotional regulation, and creating a safe and trusting environment are essential foundations for the therapeutic process (Lincoln et al., 2022). I find it common to misunderstand the differences between guilt, embarrassment, and shame. If you don't know or understand the difference, you are not alone. Today, let's explore it.​
​GUILT​
​Sounds like "I did something bad," which is behaviour driven. It can drive positive change and behaviour. Your inner voice might sound something like this: "Saying that in front of my boss was so stupid." or "Going out last night was a dumb decision, I should have stayed home instead." You may be familiar with the concepts of being on a guilt trip or having a guilty conscience. I know from my personal experience in my younger years that I often felt guilty. I used to throw around the saying that's Jewish guilt...I would go to see my parents, and believe I dressed appropriately, and my mother would make comments about the choice of my clothing, my hair and more, and I would feel guilty - "I should have done better"
Guilt is a negative emotion that, according to Stewart et al. (2023), is often described as a "visceral and physical experience" that prompts one to recognize that they have caused or contributed to perceived harm to another. There are many ways that researchers break down the types of guilt. I will save that for another conversation.
It can be triggered in a variety of ways: by an event (missing an event or skipping one), unrealistic expectations (perfectionism), upbringing (like a critical parenting style), a feeling of responsibility (becoming a caregiver at a young age), expectations, pressure to conform (for example societal pressures to become gendered), cognitive distortions like negative thinking patterns (beliefs that develop around self worth or value), and mental health disorders which amplify feelings of guilt (Carlson, 2023).
It originates from our process self-evaluation as we analyze how we perceive others value us. This means it is a natural part of our emotional cycle, we can learn from it, and in a positive way, allow it to be a guide for our moral compass and our conscience, rather than being consumed by it. I will share below some tips on how to manage guilt.
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​EMBARASSMENT
​According to Kill & Toprakbasti (2021), embarrassment is a short-lived self-conscious emotion that we experience. It is negative, judgment-based, awkward, internal, and social. This makes embarrassment universal and part of the human experience. This also means that all of us will experience it at some point in our lives. I know I have.
The hallmark of embarrassment is defined by its social context and the failure to perform in front of a judging audience. The stress and rejection of the experience create the emotion of embarrassment. There is an overall sense of being monitored and watched. Embarrassment is often accompanied by physiological responses, such as a pounding heart, blushing, flushing sensations, increased body temperature, and a reddening of the skin (Müller-Pinzler et al., 2015). As an example, I recall being asked to read a poem on stage in high school at the annual Holiday reception in front of a large audience. I was nervous, excited, and scared. I can remember in my fear and anxiety going up to the stage, I tripped a little on my way up, and I was extremely embarrassed...my mind became distracted and began to race with thoughts of self-doubt and analyzing what others were thinking of me in the moment. At the time, I had no tools for managing my embarrassment. This is where embarrassment and shame intersect. Embarrassment was my primary emotion and reaction in the moment. As time passed, my embarrassment turned into shame as I allowed myself to mire in my negative mindset. This is often the situation where we have an initial primary emotional reaction, followed quickly by a secondary emotion.
Similar to guilt, a process of self-evaluation can occur in the moment. We are evaluating ourselves and creating a negative internal narrative. How familiar are you with your inner voice? What does that voice say to you in these moments of embarrassment?

SHAME​
This is a compilation of complex emotions that is often the underbelly of most emotions. It sounds like "I am a bad person, or I am so stupid". Your inner voice might sound something like this: "Oh no, I can't believe I forgot to call her again, I feel so stupid, why can't I just remember? I'm always forgetting to do things."
Often, shame quickly gives way to other emotions, such as anger, frustration, agitation, irritation, or sadness, and it masks the shame. The shame sits underneath the secondary emotion, which is why we don't always associate our pain with shame.
Indeed, our thoughts around shame often originate from childhood. They are patterned, repeated, and unconsciously embedded. It's not a blaming exercise; however, there may have been an incident when you were very young, too young to understand or know better, when you were told you were not good enough, not lovable, not valued. This message began to reveal a repeatable pattern over time, often from those you love and admire, whether knowingly or unknowingly. I want to share an example.
You were young and you accidentally dropped and broke a glass. Two responses could happen from your parents:
VERSION 1: They reassured you that it was okay, "these things happen, and be careful you don't step on any glass."
VERSION 2: They got angry and reacted, yelling, raising their voices and saying, "Oh no, come on, what a mess...how come you always are spilling things? What's wrong with you?"
I'm sure you can guess which version leads to shame, yes #2!
If that message is repeated again and again over time, the message becomes a belief. The only way to manage shame is to name it, tame it and face it which I will share more about below.
As I mentioned in the title of this, we have all experienced these difficult emotions. The more we shut down, keep secrets, and hide from the challenges they present, the more we suffer. As you contemplate and open up to your shame, guilt, and embarrassment, think about someone you might be able to share your stories with; someone you trust.

Ideas for working with guilt, shame, and embarrassment:

1. "If you feel it, you heal it". Stop avoiding what you feel. This is challenging work. Regardless of which of these you are feeling, try the STOP exercise and allow yourself to feel the emotion.
   S - stop for a few minutes, whatever you are doing, STOP
   T - take a few deep breaths - maybe more.
   O - observe your mind, body, breath, and surroundings. If you have a little time, take a moment to explore this part of the exercise and notice what is happening.
   P - proceed forward mindfully.
2. "If you name it, you tame it". Research tells us that naming our emotions allows us to bear witness to them and gives us the ability to unstick from them. Name your feelings in your mind or even out loud. Try it!
3. Establish healthy boundaries for yourself. Write down what you want your boundaries to be, for yourself and with others. Ask yourself if you have communicated and shared these clearly. If not, what do you need to do to achieve that?
4. Understanding the root cause of your guilt can help support you on your journey to healing. If you are comfortable with journaling, grab your journal and try answering a few questions like these:
   What happened to cause this feeling?
   • What specific aspect of this do I feel guilty, ashamed, or embarrassed about?
   • Did I really do something wrong, or am I just perceiving I did something wrong?
   • Is someone else making me feel guilty, ashamed, or embarrassed?
   • Is it in my control to fix the situation?
   • Could fixing the situation help?

Monthly Sharing Section...

SOMETHING I'm reading and recommend: I have recently enjoyed reading an article about dealing with guilt. It is one emotion that I have found I interact with quite a bit in my lifetime and have enjoyed learning more about. Here is a link so you can learn more about how to manage: https://psychcentral.com/health/tips-for-dealing-with-guilt#tips​

SOMETHING I'm listening to and want to share: I have always enjoyed the work of Brené Brown. She is inspiring, thoughtful and grounded in facts. Her work on guilt, shame, and emotions is profound. Here is a quick clip https://www.oprah.com/own-super-soul-sunday/dr-brene-brown-why-guilt-is-better-than-shame-video and here is a longer interview: https://voiced.ca/podcast_episode_post/brene-brown-shame-guilt-humiliation-and-embarrassment/​

Monthly Mindful Meditation

Emotions like shame, guilt, and embarrassment can be challenging to move through. One way to support ourselves is to cultivate loving kindness. Here is a loving kindness meditation to soothe and support you in this journey:

With gratitude,
Jen James
jen@admitone.ca
​https://www.doublejstrategic.com/​

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References

Carlson, L. (2023, June 22). Cycle of guilt — How to overcome it. MyWellbeing. https://mywellbeing.com/therapy-101/understanding-guilt-complex

Kill, C., & Toprakbasti, Z. (2021, May 10). That's Cringe: The Neuroscience Behind Embarrassment. Grey Matters. Retrieved September 20, 2022, from https://greymattersjournal.org/thats-cringe-the-neuroscience-behind-embarassment/

Lincoln, T. M., Schulze, L., & Renneberg, B. (2022). The role of emotion regulation in the characterization, development and treatment of psychopathology. Nature Reviews Psychology, 1(5), 272–286. https://doi.org/10.1038/s44159-022-00040-4

Müller-Pinzler, L., Gazzola, V., Keysers, C., Sommer, J., Jansen, A., Frässle, S., Einhäuser, W., Paulus, F., & Krach, S. (2015). Neural pathways of embarrassment and their modulation by social anxiety. NeuroImage, 119, 252–261. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neuroimage.2015.06.036

Stewart, C. A., Mitchell, D. G., MacDonald, P. A., Pasternak, S. H., Tremblay, P. F., & Finger, E. (2023). The psychophysiology of guilt in healthy adults. Cognitive Affective & Behavioral Neuroscience, 23(4), 1192–1209. https://doi.org/10.3758/s13415-023-01079-3

What is toxic shame? (2024, February 25). WebMD. https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-is-toxic-shame