What is loving kindness?

May you be loved,
May you find peace,
May you discover joy in the little and big things,
May you be healthy...

I hear my inner voice saying, "I think you could use a teaspoon of loving kindness," and I follow it up with wanting to reach out and give someone a nice big hug... (yes, there is a dose of judgment in that statement, and I acknowledge it - part of me believes it is loving judgment - ha). This is happening more and more to me. I have this inner desire to share loving kindness, like I can sprinkle it over people like Tinkerbell in Peter Pan. For those of you familiar with the gift of loving kindness, wouldn't that be a beautiful way to share something so wonderful? As I cultivate my own more profound connection to loving kindness for myself, others and the world, I find my senses heightened and my empathic connections more open, soft, aware, and curious. My journey with loving kindness has not been easy, nor has it been a short one. Likely, it was part of my life long before I was aware of it, and I became tuned into it about 15 years ago. However, I am now lovingly accepting that my journey with and in loving kindness is a lifelong one.
​But what exactly is loving kindness?
​According to Chödrön (2017), loving-kindness is the act of accepting ourselves as we are, think of it as befriending ourselves with a deep sense of curiosity. We no longer look at ourselves and want to change what we see. The pathway to knowing loving-kindness takes commitment and practice. It is rooted in learning and understanding ourselves first. While meditation is a practice we use to get there, it is not the only way to achieve loving kindness. A personal example has been my own journey with shame and self-loathing to acceptance. It is not a story I easily share. In fact, I did not even speak about it out loud until I was about 40 years old. It was so embedded as part of who I was I didn't realize I was so critical and unaccepting of me. You could say there was a part of me that hated me. It was causing me physical and mental harm. I had developed an obsession with my body and with food. I had an eating disorder. I was using food and exercise to control how I was feeling, what I allowed myself to do, and there was no way I accepted myself for who I was. As I discovered mindfulness I opened up to the reality of who I was including my inner critic. It was scary, disarming, and super weird at the same time. I had never thought of having to accept myself and it felt unusual. Mindfulness based therapies have been used as interventions with disordered eating for several decades, and show positive outcomes but are not necessarily influential on symptom remission. They are however, key in emotion regulation and driving positive outcomes through enhancementn of emotional regulation skills which is a key feature of eating disorders (Lattimore et al., 2016). A significant component of this is the transition from non-acceptance to acceptance which is a journey I am familiar with. I began to be hyper-aware of all of these new parts of me including; emotions, sensations, and behaviours - some had been so automatic for so long (like shaming myself for eating and drinking certain foods or screaming at myself in my head for eating food I thought I shouldn't have). I began to realize how unaware I was, how unnnoticing I had been for so long. I also realized how judgmental I had been and it alarmed me. It is common on the journey of connecting more deeply with oneself to suffer a bit more in the up front of the work as the heart and mind open to healing (Germer and Neff, 2020). The more I did body scans, awareness meditations, compassionate breaks, the more I created space to explore myself, the more my body, mind and heart revealed back to me. It was revealing what it needed. It needed and longed for kindness from me. What is self-kindness exactly? Truly it is the warm blanket of acceptance and loving kindness to ourselves. I began with baby steps like accepting my entirely imperfect self and allowing myself to be alive in my negative spaces. What changed for me was no longer hiding in the corners, I began to watch and listen to myself allowing myself to sit in some of my difficult feelings and emotions. This exploration has continued to this present day and this way of being has changed me. Loving kindness is a starting point in the journey. I start each morning with loving kindness as a practice...see below for some ideas on how to build loving kindness.​
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Tips to building loving kindness...

1. Try a check in with yourself. Sit down, close your eyes, take a few breaths, place your hand on your heart and listen to what your mind and body are saying to you. As you do ask yourself this question: What do I need?
2. Check out this quick and easy self guided loving kindness practice: https://www.lionsroar.com/a-practice-for-developing-kindness-toward-yourself/​
3. Try creating your own loving kindness statements. Choose statements that feel meaningful and accessible to you. Make sure they connect with your needs, values, and heart.
   May I be loved
   May I be valued
   May I feel peace
   Try using them in your meditations.
4. Check out the monthly meditation section below for a link to a loving kindness meditation and join us this month on Monday night, May 26th @ 7:30pm for our Monthly Mindful Meditation and Sharing Circle where we will enjoy a group Loving Kindness Meditation. If you are interested reach out to me and I will send you the invite.

Monthly Sharing Section...

NEWS TO SHARE: I'm so thrilled to be announcing that I will be officially opening my doors for my student therapy practice starting late summer under the Guided Supervision of Mary Earls (M.A., RSW, RP), at Advocating Hope:https://advocatinghope.ca/
​More details to come, please stay tuned!

WORTH LISTENING TO: Do you enjoy podcasts or audio experiences? I like to immerse myself in a good one from time to time. Check out our podcast. There is an experience for everyone as we explore a diverse range of genres. You can find all of the episodes we have launched here through this link to The Admit One Radio Hour: https://linktr.ee/admitoneradiohour​

NOTE: I am no longer on FB. I am continuing to follow on Instagram and LinkedIn, so please feel free to connect with me there. If you would like me to share something with our community that fits nicely under one of the three headings above, please email me directly and share it with me. Here is how to connect: jen@admitone.ca

Monthly Mindful Meditation

Loving kindness can be practiced anywhere. It can be a moment to yourself or shared with someone. It can be a warm loving thought you send to someone in need or even a thought to the world...take a moment today and give yourself and someone you care about some loving kindness.

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With gratitude,
Jen James
jen@admitone.ca
​https://www.doublejstrategic.com/​

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References

Chödrön, P. (2017). Awakening Loving-Kindness. Shambhala Publications.

Lattimore, P., Mead, B. R., Irwin, L., Grice, L., Carson, R., & Malinowski, P. (2016). ‘I can’t accept that feeling’: Relationships between interoceptive awareness, mindfulness and eating disorder symptoms in females with, and at-risk of an eating disorder. Psychiatry Research, 247, 163–171. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psychres.2016.11.022